February 2012
Wahhhhh
Customer: What's in these 'Spanish' sausages?
Me: An almost fanatical devotion to The Pope...
Eight hours of glory.
Question: If I take my sock off with my feet during the night, how do I wake up with it next to my face?
oliver-dunk asked: can i still ruin your day now its not your birthday seeing as i didn't get to ruin that?
“For all we know, they’re building a Gundam suit with bazookas for hands.”
– Sterling Archer
1 tag
“I wonder what Avril Lavigne’s Converse budget is.”
– Alex Howes
I’m so knackered I’m walking diagonally.
Police officer: Are you texting about this?
Me: Nah, I'm texting about Jedi.
@alexmarshallwoo
Go follow me on Twitter, keep the dream alive.
It’s no longer my birthday.
Maybe now people will stop apologising for ruining it.
timothytwitchit asked: Happy Birthday brah. Keep on truckin' *_xXxXXX_*
1 tag
“Mum, I’m so full that all I can eat is potatoes.”
– Me and my mum are bonding
The Legia Warsaw coach looks as though he has some else’s face stretched over his.
Spending my birthday evening watching Sporting Lisbon vs. Legia Warsaw and drinking wine with my mum.
3 tags
Alec scored an absolute screamer with his goalkeeper at table football.
We’re not losing, we’re just not winning yet.
Aaron: I told a guy in a mobility scooter to drive safe and he flipped.
Me: Figuratively or..?
Would anyone like to hang out with me this afternoon by any chance?
I kind of lost about 200 kilograms of beef.
Turkey bandit.
purebacon asked: Even scruffy looking nerf herders deserve a happy birthday
“Strike with chaos.”
– Sun Tzu
Unfamiliar scissors are dangerous scissors.
Brutal epiphany.
I'm pretty sure I'm financially responsible for...
“So, I crashed a few cop cars?! Ran over a few mimes?!”
– Sterling Archer
I learned that 'flammable' and 'inflammable' mean...
“Gold and naked women are basically the same thing”
– Lee is bad at watching Adventure Time
“10,9,8…3,2,1…”
– Flynn Staples, on counting.
Vatican brofist
Emma: Have you ever seen Memoirs of a Geisha?
Lee: It's the worst kung-fu movie ever.
“I’m pretty sure you were born senile”
– Lee, on me
“I’m paying you in being awesome near you”
– Flynn Staples